What Our Parents Lacked

Where I’m from, many parents try to fulfill their unmet wishes through their children. A common way this shows up? Forcing kids into careers they once dreamed of. It rarely ends well — for either side.

But that’s not what I want to talk about. This is about something else. Something better.

Parents often work hard to make sure their kids don’t go through what they went through. Some had days without food, so they break their backs to keep the fridge full. Others never got proper schooling, so they fight to get their kids into the best schools.

It’s not just about giving their kids what they didn’t have; it’s also about sparing them from the bad experiences they had.

I recently watched Adolescence, a Netflix series. The dad in it doesn’t hit his kids. He shouts, sure. He’s short-tempered. But he never lays a hand on them. At the end, he explains why: as a child, he was beaten with a belt. He remembers it clearly. And he draws the line.

We often see distant fathers — men who aren’t emotionally close to their kids. I sometimes wonder if that’s because closeness wasn’t their priority. Maybe they starved as kids, and their only goal was to make sure their children didn’t. Providing food became the purpose that gave their lives meaning. And maybe their children will grow up to be more emotionally present for the next generation. Because that’s what they lack.

I think this cycle goes on forever. We try to give our children what we lacked. We try to shield them from the pain we endured. That becomes our driving force. That becomes love, in its own quiet way.

So if we’ve got problems with our dads, maybe it’s time to ask:

What was their priority?